Career Shift

I started this blog as a way of sharing my personal story with those who know me.  Over time, I noticed a few people unknown to me were reading and subscribing.  That sincerely makes me believe I’m making that little bit of difference in someone’s life.  Since my mission statement in life is “Give a little – Take a little”, those few subscribers validate that I am delivering messages which resonate with and help others.  One of the best ways to motivate me is to show I am being heard and that those words are making small changes that make the world feel a little less lonely.  Having people follow my blog does this for me in such a beautiful and simple way.  I thank every single one of you who have decided to join me on my journey.

As we move through our lives, we change through things that happen or choices we make.  Yet, even with the changes, our essence remains constant.  As an example, we can change from having mostly negative thoughts to being more positive.  However, if a person is one who really needs to share thoughts and feelings, that can only be stifled for so long.  Eventually, that volcano cap is going to blow, throwing lava all over whomever is standing close by.  And, while it feels so good to let that pressure go, it’s not going to feel so amazing to those hit by the randomly thrown debris. 

The volcano analogy is a lesson I have had to relearn many times throughout my life.  For a while, I go about my life just being my outgoing smiling and problem-solving self, letting that lava flow at a controlled and safe rate.  Then someone who I need to keep happy in order to remain employed comes along and tells me to put a cap on it.  So, I do what is requested and seal off the flow.  I don’t have to tell you what happens a few months later.  We can only temper, not shut down, our natural flow because shutting it down eventually becomes destructive for all those within our personal blast zone.  It’s easy to forget this in the pursuit of our much-needed paychecks.  It’s also easy for those higher up in organizations to forget those in the trenches need to simply be who they are while performing their job duties.  Remembering to manage each person as a person instead of as a piece of a collective is challenging.

Do we really need to live that way?  Does being a productive member of the working world require that we must shut down key pieces of who we are?  Why are some allowed to simply be who they are while others are required to change who they are?  There have been many times I’ve been told to change key pieces of my personality or behavior to please others.  Yet, the same person telling me to cap off my flow says to me, “That is just how that person is” about another person who is displaying the same behaviors.  It’s confusing and frustrating. 

I remember a time I was told to NOT make personal to do lists because it overwhelmed my coworkers when they saw it.  “Your lists are too long” and “It’s more than anyone can get done in a day” were the reasons I heard over and over.  These lists were my personal lists which had very little to do with my coworkers or those who I supervised.  Yet, I was told I could not write these lists because it stressed everyone out.  The experiences I’ve listed are just a small example of the criticisms I’ve received through the years.  I always took the criticism to heart and adjusted to accommodate and please.  There were many times that I thought I was compromising.  The reality was that I was surrendering to keep the peace.

As I’ve been making plans for the next stage of my career, I’ve done several assessments to test various hard and soft skills.  There were two soft skills assessments which gave me some “ah ha” moments.  In thinking through examples of how I’ve used these skills successfully in the past, I realized that my passions live within those specific characteristics.  Those also happen to be the skills which my former supervisors did not value.  They simply did not understand my unique blend of soft skills nor did they know how to leverage those skills.  Or is it that I did not know how to explain and demonstrate the value of those soft skills in a way that could be easily understood?  It’s difficult to place the “blame” back onto myself.  It feels like another round of self-abuse.  However, there is an undeniable power in knowing that you can only control your own responses, reactions and feelings.  How others respond to you has little to do with you and a ton to do with their own unresolved issues. 

My new career goal will be to reinvent myself into a company culture leader or consultant.  The steps involved not only include a ton of research but also a lot of self-reflection.  This is the direction my blog will be taking from this point forward.  I will be bringing you along as I work through the steps required to form a valuable and realistic program which, if applied correctly by companies, will lead to managers understanding the value of leveraging their own soft skills and those of whom they lead.  My program will be led with a strong emphasis of self-awareness, gratitude, humor, kindness and acceptance.  While these words sound like rainbows and sunshine, I can assure you they are not.  These specific words are very often abused in the working world because they are not tempered properly by responsibility, communication, connectedness and individualization.

While I am switching up the material I will be writing about, I will remain true to my lava flow and continue to share thoughts, feelings and epiphanies I encounter along the way.  Please chime in with comments and suggestions whenever the urge strikes you.  These insights may be the exact valuable feedback needed to push me through a “block”. 

As always, I thank you for your support and involvement!

Wading Through the Funk

I’m having an “off” kind of day.  It didn’t start that way.  I had plans for my day.  I had a “to do” list and a schedule for completing it.  I can’t say I felt a strong sense of motivation to complete my list but, I was at least partially committed to completing it.  What happened to throw me off track?  I honestly have zero clue on how to answer that.  I simply do not know why my mojo marched off leaving me in its wake feeling exhausted, frustrated and sad.

I know I’m responsible for my own feelings and emotions.  Heck, I’ve been studying that specific subject heavily the last few weeks.  Heavens knows I’ve had plenty of time to contemplate this while being unemployed.  Today, it’s all just too much.  It’s overwhelming.  It’s sad.  It’s drained everything out of me.  In working so hard on trying to become a better me and know that better me with conviction and purpose, I’ve somehow drained my lifeforce instead of making it reach a new higher level.  I tried everything today to beat off this undefinable funk.  I ate a healthy breakfast.  I took my vitamins.  I played with my silly birds.  I went to the gym.  I did my meditation while at the gym.  I listened to a motivational speaker on YouTube.  I did all the right things the first part of my day but, as the day progressed, I found myself feeling more and more emotionally drained.  The why of that will remain a mystery because I have nothing left in me today to care enough to put in the work to figure it out. Quite honestly, do I really need to beat myself up even more today and make myself feel even worse?

Here’s what I do know today. I am in my current situation for more than one reason.  Some of it was a little out of my control but, to me, it boils down to this – I only place value on myself when I am gainfully employed.  I somehow become about being what I do for a living instead of making a living by being who Iam.  I haven’t delved into this topic as much as I should yet but, I know it’s another phase of “self-work” I will need to trudge through towards resolution eventually or this pattern will continue in perpetuity.  This realization might be another reason why I my funk runs so deep today.  I’m so tired of either being told or feeling like I am not just fine as I am – that I’m somehow “broken” and need to “fix myself”.  Isn’t it time to embrace just being me and the rest of the world either accepts me as I am or moves along?

Whenever I catch myself falling once again down this specific rabbit hole, I just shake my head with disgust and promise to never do it again.  So, in actuality, what do I end up doing?  I trot into a new job, pour my heart and soul into it, compromise my personal time and energy while believing, if I just work harder and smarter this time, it will all be okay.  Eventually, I get complacent.  I get comfortable.  I get lazy about working on myself, setting personal goals and just coast along in a stressful form of autopilot.  Don’t interpret that to mean I neglect the quality of my actual work function.  It’s quite the opposite. I throw myself into my job so deeply with such a sense of responsibility that almost everything else gets cast aside.

That seems to always be right when someone comes along and decides to yank my nice little comfort zone right out from under me.  Now, I’m not saying I’m blameless but, I can only control other people’s emotions, actions and reactions so much.  Quite honestly, I sincerely need to stop thinking I can control other people’s “crap.” I can only control my own but, that doesn’t make the sense of guilt and shame go away on its own.  I’m kind of a pro at the whole “if only” game and it is NOT something to be proud of.  I also am really good at internalizing the “blame & shame” of the what and why of these occurrences even while, at least this instance, a month later, my own direct supervisors are still trying to understand why they were forced to let me go. At least I’m not the only one who is bewildered.

Where does this leave me in the right here and now?  Well, I’ve got one bird on my head, chewing on my hair tie which should be springing off any second.  The other bird is in my shirt, happily perched on my bra snuggling his little feathered body against me and taking a nap.  I am typing what is the fifth or sixth blog post I’ve written these past three weeks and I have published none of them.  I feel inspiration to write in almost every moment of every day but can’t seem to get the words to come out.  When I do get them to begin to turn into some cohesive form, I am interrupted or lose my focus.  Even now, as I see this one come together, my little shirt dweller has started nipping at my bare skin, breaking my concentration and creating the need to type this one-handed so I can remove my flesh from his little pliers face. 

Those who know me are probably perplexed as to how this strong, resilient, and optimistic person can be writing all this “Negative Nancy” stuff.  How can she sincerely be feeling so low when she has so much love in her life?  It’s simply because every single one of us has days like this.  It’s just reality.  Unless you live in a bubble or have never faced down a challenge in your life, you’ve had a day like this, maybe even a worse day.  I’ve said it numerous times before and I’ll repeat it over and over and over for the rest of my life.  The best way to beat these moments of funk is to put it out there.  Get it out of your head and heart.  Share it or don’t share it but, get it out.  Document it.  Save it. Read it later when you are in a better zone.  Celebrate your victory over what felt like soul crushing disappointment in that moment.

Allow me to explain why sharing these moments with others is a good thing.  Others read it.  They digest it.  They relate to it.  They offer support.  The best part?  When you’ve traveled further down the pathway from what lead to the funk, start feeling more positive and become your happy and inspirational self once again, you’ve got a low point to reference.  It’s the “rock bottom” you know you don’t want to hit again.  You can look at it with a sense of pride that you “won” the day and others will be standing beside you cheering, congratulating you and celebrating with you.  Nothing feels better than celebrating victory with those who love (and are loved by) you.

The more satisfying part of pouring your heart out is that you may inspire others by your honest expression of that deep emotional pain.      

How is it that others are inspired by your own pain?  Well, there are a few reasons.  Someone who is struggling with their own “crap” may look at it as “Okay, my mud pit doesn’t look that bad so, if she can crawl out, so can I.”  Maybe they look at it as, “My pain runs even deeper than that, maybe it’s time to reach out and grab a lifeline.”  Maybe it does not hit someone at the exact time you share your pain. Maybe a few months down the road, a sucker punch hits their life and your words come back to inspire them to stand back up and keep moving.  Maybe it causes someone to look a little closer at their circle of friends and evaluate more closely to see that person who appears to have it all together REALLY needs some “girl time” to clear out the clutter in her brain before she implodes from being so “perfect.”  She probably doesn’t even realize she needs it and you can help prevent the crash or soften the blow when it happens.

Anyone who reads my writing knows the VERY common theme is about being open and honest about struggles. Honesty in its purest form is very brave.  It shows your vulnerabilities in a very raw and sensitive form.  You open yourself up to criticism and judgement.  At a time when you are already battling your own demons, it’s pretty rough to know your thoughts, feelings and words can be turned into “weapons”. 

I also speak about hope, love and self-responsibility.  While we have a universally responsible to accept responsibility for our own happiness, isn’t that part of our spirituality – to reach out to others during times of pain? Doesn’t it make our own hearts and lives so much happier when we make others feel valued?  You can’t force them to be happy but, you can help them feel valued and loved.  Honestly, one of the best ways I’ve found to do this is to share my own pain and struggles so they can discover their own strength to crawl out of their mud pit of despair.  Maybe despair is a strong word for all struggles we encounter.  However, if we don’t remember to move through our struggles but remain stuck in even a small mud puddle, it can quickly turn into a deep pit with thick sludge.

As we all know, I’m going to be okay.  I’m going to get back to stepping through this battle just like I have all the other ones.  Hopefully, I will come out the other side stronger with more resolve and self-confidence than ever before.  If not, well, I guess that means I’ll be going through this process sometime again in the future.  Just because we don’t get it right this time doesn’t mean we won’t ever get it right. And we sure as heck don’t quit trying. 

I know that no matter how many times I fall into a despair pit, I will find my way out and be grateful for the struggle and the journey.  There is ALWAYS beauty in painful experiences.  Maybe we’ll visit that subject again sometime soon.  For now, grab your phone and get busy sending a message (or call) that person who you think needs that reminder of just how much they are loved and which of their strengths you admire and respect the most.  You may just change a life or, at least, help pull them a few steps through their own sludge pit.