I’m having an “off” kind of day.  It didn’t start that way.  I had plans for my day.  I had a “to do” list and a schedule for completing it.  I can’t say I felt a strong sense of motivation to complete my list but, I was at least partially committed to completing it.  What happened to throw me off track?  I honestly have zero clue on how to answer that.  I simply do not know why my mojo marched off leaving me in its wake feeling exhausted, frustrated and sad.

I know I’m responsible for my own feelings and emotions.  Heck, I’ve been studying that specific subject heavily the last few weeks.  Heavens knows I’ve had plenty of time to contemplate this while being unemployed.  Today, it’s all just too much.  It’s overwhelming.  It’s sad.  It’s drained everything out of me.  In working so hard on trying to become a better me and know that better me with conviction and purpose, I’ve somehow drained my lifeforce instead of making it reach a new higher level.  I tried everything today to beat off this undefinable funk.  I ate a healthy breakfast.  I took my vitamins.  I played with my silly birds.  I went to the gym.  I did my meditation while at the gym.  I listened to a motivational speaker on YouTube.  I did all the right things the first part of my day but, as the day progressed, I found myself feeling more and more emotionally drained.  The why of that will remain a mystery because I have nothing left in me today to care enough to put in the work to figure it out. Quite honestly, do I really need to beat myself up even more today and make myself feel even worse?

Here’s what I do know today. I am in my current situation for more than one reason.  Some of it was a little out of my control but, to me, it boils down to this – I only place value on myself when I am gainfully employed.  I somehow become about being what I do for a living instead of making a living by being who Iam.  I haven’t delved into this topic as much as I should yet but, I know it’s another phase of “self-work” I will need to trudge through towards resolution eventually or this pattern will continue in perpetuity.  This realization might be another reason why I my funk runs so deep today.  I’m so tired of either being told or feeling like I am not just fine as I am – that I’m somehow “broken” and need to “fix myself”.  Isn’t it time to embrace just being me and the rest of the world either accepts me as I am or moves along?

Whenever I catch myself falling once again down this specific rabbit hole, I just shake my head with disgust and promise to never do it again.  So, in actuality, what do I end up doing?  I trot into a new job, pour my heart and soul into it, compromise my personal time and energy while believing, if I just work harder and smarter this time, it will all be okay.  Eventually, I get complacent.  I get comfortable.  I get lazy about working on myself, setting personal goals and just coast along in a stressful form of autopilot.  Don’t interpret that to mean I neglect the quality of my actual work function.  It’s quite the opposite. I throw myself into my job so deeply with such a sense of responsibility that almost everything else gets cast aside.

That seems to always be right when someone comes along and decides to yank my nice little comfort zone right out from under me.  Now, I’m not saying I’m blameless but, I can only control other people’s emotions, actions and reactions so much.  Quite honestly, I sincerely need to stop thinking I can control other people’s “crap.” I can only control my own but, that doesn’t make the sense of guilt and shame go away on its own.  I’m kind of a pro at the whole “if only” game and it is NOT something to be proud of.  I also am really good at internalizing the “blame & shame” of the what and why of these occurrences even while, at least this instance, a month later, my own direct supervisors are still trying to understand why they were forced to let me go. At least I’m not the only one who is bewildered.

Where does this leave me in the right here and now?  Well, I’ve got one bird on my head, chewing on my hair tie which should be springing off any second.  The other bird is in my shirt, happily perched on my bra snuggling his little feathered body against me and taking a nap.  I am typing what is the fifth or sixth blog post I’ve written these past three weeks and I have published none of them.  I feel inspiration to write in almost every moment of every day but can’t seem to get the words to come out.  When I do get them to begin to turn into some cohesive form, I am interrupted or lose my focus.  Even now, as I see this one come together, my little shirt dweller has started nipping at my bare skin, breaking my concentration and creating the need to type this one-handed so I can remove my flesh from his little pliers face. 

Those who know me are probably perplexed as to how this strong, resilient, and optimistic person can be writing all this “Negative Nancy” stuff.  How can she sincerely be feeling so low when she has so much love in her life?  It’s simply because every single one of us has days like this.  It’s just reality.  Unless you live in a bubble or have never faced down a challenge in your life, you’ve had a day like this, maybe even a worse day.  I’ve said it numerous times before and I’ll repeat it over and over and over for the rest of my life.  The best way to beat these moments of funk is to put it out there.  Get it out of your head and heart.  Share it or don’t share it but, get it out.  Document it.  Save it. Read it later when you are in a better zone.  Celebrate your victory over what felt like soul crushing disappointment in that moment.

Allow me to explain why sharing these moments with others is a good thing.  Others read it.  They digest it.  They relate to it.  They offer support.  The best part?  When you’ve traveled further down the pathway from what lead to the funk, start feeling more positive and become your happy and inspirational self once again, you’ve got a low point to reference.  It’s the “rock bottom” you know you don’t want to hit again.  You can look at it with a sense of pride that you “won” the day and others will be standing beside you cheering, congratulating you and celebrating with you.  Nothing feels better than celebrating victory with those who love (and are loved by) you.

The more satisfying part of pouring your heart out is that you may inspire others by your honest expression of that deep emotional pain.      

How is it that others are inspired by your own pain?  Well, there are a few reasons.  Someone who is struggling with their own “crap” may look at it as “Okay, my mud pit doesn’t look that bad so, if she can crawl out, so can I.”  Maybe they look at it as, “My pain runs even deeper than that, maybe it’s time to reach out and grab a lifeline.”  Maybe it does not hit someone at the exact time you share your pain. Maybe a few months down the road, a sucker punch hits their life and your words come back to inspire them to stand back up and keep moving.  Maybe it causes someone to look a little closer at their circle of friends and evaluate more closely to see that person who appears to have it all together REALLY needs some “girl time” to clear out the clutter in her brain before she implodes from being so “perfect.”  She probably doesn’t even realize she needs it and you can help prevent the crash or soften the blow when it happens.

Anyone who reads my writing knows the VERY common theme is about being open and honest about struggles. Honesty in its purest form is very brave.  It shows your vulnerabilities in a very raw and sensitive form.  You open yourself up to criticism and judgement.  At a time when you are already battling your own demons, it’s pretty rough to know your thoughts, feelings and words can be turned into “weapons”. 

I also speak about hope, love and self-responsibility.  While we have a universally responsible to accept responsibility for our own happiness, isn’t that part of our spirituality – to reach out to others during times of pain? Doesn’t it make our own hearts and lives so much happier when we make others feel valued?  You can’t force them to be happy but, you can help them feel valued and loved.  Honestly, one of the best ways I’ve found to do this is to share my own pain and struggles so they can discover their own strength to crawl out of their mud pit of despair.  Maybe despair is a strong word for all struggles we encounter.  However, if we don’t remember to move through our struggles but remain stuck in even a small mud puddle, it can quickly turn into a deep pit with thick sludge.

As we all know, I’m going to be okay.  I’m going to get back to stepping through this battle just like I have all the other ones.  Hopefully, I will come out the other side stronger with more resolve and self-confidence than ever before.  If not, well, I guess that means I’ll be going through this process sometime again in the future.  Just because we don’t get it right this time doesn’t mean we won’t ever get it right. And we sure as heck don’t quit trying. 

I know that no matter how many times I fall into a despair pit, I will find my way out and be grateful for the struggle and the journey.  There is ALWAYS beauty in painful experiences.  Maybe we’ll visit that subject again sometime soon.  For now, grab your phone and get busy sending a message (or call) that person who you think needs that reminder of just how much they are loved and which of their strengths you admire and respect the most.  You may just change a life or, at least, help pull them a few steps through their own sludge pit.