beginnings

Thoughts?

Good Morning!!!!

First, I want to truly thank you all for joining me on this adventure.  I am honestly touched and honored by how many have read my posts.  No matter how you found my little rambling blog, I hope my words have made your heart feel a little lighter and your soul a little more inspired.

The first week of posts were ramblings I wrote over the past 7 months.  The next round will be fresh writing and will vary in content.  However, I always want my overall message to be one of hope, positivity and strength.

Today’s post is a question to you from me – After reading what I have posted so far, is there a question that comes to your mind that I have not answered as of yet?  Yes, I am (kind of) fishing for story ideas but, more importantly, I want to really write about things that may make a true difference – things that may inspire or  just make you look at the world a little differently.

Tomorrow’s story will be about finding peace in the middle of chaos but, today, if you could take a few moments to share your thoughts, comments and questions, I would appreciate it very much.

Even The Sad Moments Deserve Celebration

This is actually an old post from almost five years ago.  When I changed my web hosting, it became a “draft” for some unknown reason.  It’s one of my favorite blogs I’ve written so, it is getting a “repost”.

This morning I am hitting the ground running on the hard-core wedding prep. While I sit here making my grocery list, “Mountains” by Lonestar started playing on my You Tube mix. I don’t need the reminder at the moment but it just deepens my gratitude.
I am soooooo grateful for every challenge, every mistake, every stumble, every fall, all the past darkness, all the scary times, all the uncertainty, all the times I’ve been betrayed, disappointed, neglected………
Why? Because it lead me here. I grew stronger with each event. It grew my appreciation for the good stuff. It all taught me how to recognize life’s false promises and what is true. It taught me what & who matters and what & who doesn’t. It taught me what TRUE love looks, acts and feels like. It taught me to trust myself because even the mistakes can be overcome. Things that feel like failures, more often than not, are actually victories because of the lessons learned and you feel so much better about yourself for at least trying. And you know the next time is going to be easier.
This week is about celebrating ALL of that – the good, the bad, the ugly and, most importantly, the AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL. Even as I run around frantically baking and decorating cakes, making food, cleaning house, coordinating people who are helping out, beautifying myself, and all the other 1001 preparations that need to be completed – what TRULY matters is what I woke up to this morning.
This man who truly loves me – the man who loves and appreciates me for my life experience and who it has grown me into. The man who is amused by my “quirks”. The man who thinks my imperfections make me beautiful. The man who appreciates and laughs at my moments of sheer determination (and bull-headed-ness) when I tackle challenges. The one who does not tell me I can’t but stands there, cheers me on and just shakes his head and silently laughs when I sometimes have to admit I either need help or have bitten off more than I can chew in general. The one who just honestly “gets” me.
This Saturday is not the only day of celebrating all the above. I celebrate every single second of every single day. I can honestly say there has not ever been a moment when that gratitude has escaped me since I walked across that parking lot on that chilly December night………when I walked into that hug……the hug that will last a lifetime…….the arms that are my reward for all my struggles, my challenges, my stumbles, my disappointment, for never giving up, for having faith, for walking through the dark times………How can I NOT celebrate all those “bad” times when he is my beautiful reward?

The Cold Virginia Winter That Warmed Our Hearts

After I write and publish each of these installments, I think of details I have neglected to share. Some of the details don’t matter much in the grand scheme of things. Yet, sometimes I believe they are important in helping others understand our story. I don’t believe we owe anyone any explanations but, since we had a pretty private beginning, it’s nice to be able to share some of the details with those who know each of us. Even in my mind, I get the sequence of events wrong on occasion. I do remember some things so very clearly but I don’t remember exactly when or in which order they happened. Now, three months ago seems like a lifetime ago and I am honestly amazed at how many important and special memories we have created in that very short span of time.

I almost forgot an important detail about a “strange phenomena” that occurred once I moved into this house. Those who know me know I have always been a pretty darned good cook and baker. Some miracle happened when I stepped foot into this house. For some unknown reason, the quality of my cooking has elevated beyond what it has ever been before. I shake my head at this almost daily when I haphazardly throw something together for breakfast or dinner and it is delicious beyond words. I’m honestly not trying to be egotistical or anything of the sort – it is just the truth. Trust me, I made a roast chicken within the first few weeks here that would have made any professional chef proud. And the chicken noodle soup I made with the leftovers………heavenly!!!

The weather here in Virginia this winter was not exactly pleasant. Snowy and cold – for this Midwestern girl, that is what I am used to so, no big deal, right? WRONG!!! These roads and this traffic are VERY different from Western Iowa and Eastern Nebraska. On the day of the first anticipated storm of 2014, I was in Culpeper, packing up more belongings and still just trying to “adjust”. I knew I was going to have to either stay at the house in Culpeper or hurry up and get back to Don’s house before the nastiness arrived. Being stranded at Don’s house was very much the preferred alternative so, I hopped into Oompa to be sure I was back by mid-afternoon. When I sent Don a message telling him I was on my way, he informed me that he was already home prepping everything for the potential storm. Again, I am a Midwestern farm girl but, this concept of preparation was foreign to me. I was extremely curious about what Don meant by this.

When I arrived at the house, long before any bad weather started, I saw a generator sitting in the yard. As I walked into the house, there was a very cozy fire in the fireplace, plenty of wood stacked next to the fireplace and a wagon right outside the back door full of more wood. And, even though I did not pay attention enough attention to notice it at the time, a feeder full of bird food. As soon as I had entered the house, I went straight into “farm girl” mode and started making a big pot of hearty beef stew. Soon the house was not only cozy warm but also smelled of delicious home cooking. Now, THAT is how a home should feel and smell. The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent just enjoying each others company. We each spent some time on our computers keeping our respective Mafia Wars games running but, mainly, we were either sitting on the couch together, talking, watching TV, showing each other silly Facebook posts and going outside for a cigarette together. As had been the nature of our friendship and conversation from the very beginning, some of our talk was casual and some of it was on a much deeper level. Just companionable, comfortable, and relaxed.

As this unpleasant winter moved forward, there were other “bouts” of this type of weather. Weather that kept us at home, nestled in and avoiding the cold nastiness. What a blessing this was for what turned out to be the beginnings of “us”. Several evenings and a few days of just being together. Spending time together. Laughing together. Just relaxing. Just being in the moment with no demands or expectations. When you begin any relationship, especially one that will endure life’s challenges, a solidly built foundation is essential. The foundation we built during this time is a very good one. Each block was placed with precision and care without either of us even realizing what we were doing.

I ended the last installment with our first kiss. Admittedly, after that kiss, things progressed pretty rapidly but it just doesn’t feel that way to us. What started just a few weeks ago feels like years. And I mean that in a VERY good way. In this moment of our lives, I don’t believe that either of us remembers a time when we didn’t love each other. Some of the rest of the details of our beginnings are nothing that I haven’t or won’t share with our friends if asked but, to put it out there like this just seems wrong. A lot of those memories are just for the two of us. They are meant to be for just us to savor and enjoy. As someone who really has no secrets or keeps much to herself, this is a new,yet wonderful shift in my sense of privacy. To me, it is a wonderful symptom of feeling complete, secure and sincerely happy. Having that one person you can truly share every piece of who and what you are and know they accept and love all of it………overwhelmingly beautiful.

Again, to be continued………..

How My Husband Became My Best Friend

Today I am going to share another older story.  While it may be a repeat for some, it continues the story my first post began.  This one is going to feel a little more “raw” to some.

I struggled with where to start the second installment of this story.  Sooooooo, let’s go back to my dear new friend popping in for dinner and conversation on what turned out to be a bit of a fateful evening.

As I said in Installment One, I would invite Don into the restaurant for dinner from time to time so we could just talk.  Sometimes it was light-hearted and sometimes it was a very raw or deeply meaningful conversation.  By this time we had done this a few times and knew that even those short visits had become important to each of us.  

On this particular visit, I don’t remember most of the details of our conversation that night but, I do know it must have been when I told him that I had been slammed up against a wall with a hand around my throat the previous weekend.  To be honest, I was staying in my living situation waiting for a work promotion that would allow me to move about an hour North.  I knew I needed to remove myself from everything associated with this person but, for financial reasons, I was trying to wait it out.  What I remember most clearly is my dear friend saying to me, “You need to get out of there.”  And my response – “What am I going to do, Don?!  Move in with you?”  I very vividly remember the look on his face to which I responded, “You KNOW that is a BAD idea.  You know it is and you know why.”

Fast forward a month or two………Things continued to just get worse at home.  I just could not deal with the stress level of all of it any more.  I sent Don a message asking him to pop in for dinner so we could talk.  I told him that I was considering taking him up on that offer of a temporary place to stay.  I just needed somewhere for six months while I saved up some cash and waited for my work promotion.  I was honest about my limited financial resources but told him I could help keep the house cleaned up, buy groceries and cook as a method of paying rent at least at first.  I made it perfectly clear that this was temporary and ONLY a ROOMMATE situation.  However, to me, roommates could hang out and spend time together.

After another similar conversation sometime in December, I told Don that, for various reasons, I wanted to try to wait until February to move out.  There were a few times when I honestly thought he was trying to tell me that it wasn’t going to work out.  I told him that he was not obligated to me in any way, shape, or form.  I would always be his friend even if my becoming a temporary roommate was not something he was comfortable with.  Honestly, I meant it.  And, honestly, it scared the crap out of me because I had no place else to go.  Even more importantly, nowhere I could go where I would feel as safe and comfortable.

On Christmas night, I feared for my safety enough that I literally ran out of my home in my pajamas, sandals and a coat.  I drove to a hotel and stayed the night.  I honestly don’t remember if I tried to call Don that night.  I do remember calling another person who I thought I could always count on.  The response I got finally drove home that person had never truly given me the level of support I needed throughout our entire relationship.  In that moment, I was completely on my own, literally over a thousand miles away from “home” and everything that had been my life for over 40+ years and terrified.  All I could do is tell myself that I would get through it.  Somehow I would survive this just like I have every other challenge I have had in my life.

The next day, I went back to the house to pack up as much as I could. While I did just that, I decided to stay for a few more days until I could figure out what to do.  I didn’t want to interject Don’s holiday with my “drama”.  On Saturday, December 28, I fled my house for good.  I knew there was no going back this time.  No matter what, I could not live in that situation any longer.  I loaded up the things I had packed earlier plus a few more valuable items, drove to an inexpensive hotel and prayed that I and my valuables would be safe.  After a restless night full of anxiety and fear, I started trying to contact Don.

My first thought when he didn’t respond right away was that he had definitely changed his mind about letting me stay with him.  I mentally prepared myself for that over and over and over.  When I did get a message from him, he told me he was out-of-town, visiting a friend.  Okay, so now I just need to wait for him to get back and we could discuss this.  It’s all gonna be okay.  Thinking back on it now, I feel so selfish.  While I can’t say I was completely immune and insensitive to his own personal struggle at that time, I have to admit, my issue felt much more “pressing” at that moment.

When Don contacted me on that Monday evening, he asked where I wanted to meet to talk about things.  Again, my first thought was, “Oh crap!  He’s going to tell me I can’t move in after all.”   The next text message I got from him completely took every burden off my shoulders – “Do you need to stay in Fredericksburg or do you want to follow me back to the house tonight?”  I can’t even begin to describe the sense of relief I felt.  Not only in having a safe place to stay but also someone who I could count on – I mean REALLY, TRULY count on to be there for me.  Someone who would pick me up, help me dust myself off, patch my wounds, send me back to the playing field.  What I did not know at that time was that this person would also remain standing on the sidelines cheering me on or jump into the game beside me.

As I walked across the parking lot towards him, I tried to play it cool. I did a pretty good job of just hugging my friend and thanking him.  Looking back on it now, I think maybe we saved each other that night.  I think it may have just been the end of two very different dark tunnels that ended, facing each other, right then and there.

Again – To Be Continued………….