Perfection is not only impossible, it is over-rated

I’ve been struggling all week on writing the mission statement for the new group I am forming.  Narrowing the scope of the project to make it easier to explain is not something I want to do, at least not yet.  There are so many wonderful and positive things we can do with this group.  I feel if we limit our scope in the beginning stages, we might miss helping those who need it the most.  Through my frustration and delay while attempting perfection, I had a few random events come together which granted me some serious “light bulb” insights.  Bear with me while I depart from my normal blog format to share some simple bullet points.

Perfection is not only impossible, it is over-rated.  Imperfection is where all the great stuff happens.  If we wait for perfection, we miss out on opportunities to give perfect love through imperfect acts. 

We are our absolute strongest when we feel completely powerless.

No matter how good of a person we are, sometimes bad things just happen.  There are times when they pile on, one after another, making us wonder about the quality of our luck or what lesson we are supposed to be taking from this set of challenges.

When those who have gone through some of the roughest crap life has to offer are asked how they did it, the most common answers are, “I didn’t have a choice” and “I don’t know, I just knew I had to keep moving forward.”

While we are perfectly capable of knowing what we need to do for ourselves, often it is easier to know than do.

It’s easier to help and guide others than to face down our own battles.  I’ve also discovered the tasks which should be the easiest to complete are often the most difficult to get motivated to do.

Those who reach out a hand and ask for help in a very specific and simple way are more successful than those who try to trudge through on their own.

We will revisit these topics through our journey together but, for the moment, I want to share a few details about the one that is screaming at me today.

Yesterday, I was having an awful “pity party” day.  I am always so embarrassed to admit that I cave into the pure selfishness of “woe is me”.  Maybe it was just my day to really feel the frustration and loneliness so I could release it.  Maybe it was so I could recognize the signs of clarity which were delivered to me throughout the day.  Since perfection is not the goal but showing perfect love through imperfect acts is, the second statement is the one which feels like the best fit.  I had already decided the name of our group page “Give a Little – Take a Little” but defining the descriptive mission sentence was eluding me. 

These are the seemingly random events which stacked so perfectly, one on top of the other, to clear my mind enough to find the statement which best defines our group. 

I messaged a friend who posted a status which was just not his “normal” tone.  In asking what I could do to help, I discovered this friend has landed right in the middle of one of those stages when, no matter what you are doing to get through challenges by doing the right things, it’s just not enough to get you over the hump.  Amid his own health crisis, his mother, who lived four states away, passed away.  He is fighting a health concern that he tried so hard to avoid, laying in a hospital bed after surgery, missing his opportunity to say good-bye to his mother in person.  His beautiful, loving and strong wife put down her strength long enough to share her vulnerability in an uncharacteristic manner.      

A mother of a child born with congenital heart defects has become an amazing champion for the American Heart Association.  She has turned the scariest and lowest point of her life into such a beautiful story of spirit, love and giving.  The best part?  She gives all the credit to her incredibly strong little boy for inspiring her every moment of every day.  Right now, she is fighting an illness of her own and it’s a tough one.  In the middle of her own health challenge, she still planned and executed an inspiring birthday party which has been shared on national level media.  She traveled over an hour to share the story of the special birthday party on a local television channel while still in so much pain.  How many of us would have begged off (for very valid reasons) just because of the travel time?  Add in traveling with an energetic four-year-old and most of us would be saying “nope!”  Not this magnificently inspiring young mother.

While I find both stories very inspiring, the second inspires me to find my own imperfect way to give perfect love to the first.  Why would I feel more inspired to help the person in the first story?  Isn’t the mother more deserving of praise and more help than a middle-aged man?  I have a theory but, for now, I’m not going to share my own thoughts.   

I invite you to examine your thoughts on the issue.  Really dig in and analyze who you would be inclined to help and why.  Share your thoughts in the comments or in a private message.  Blurt out your first instinct and then think through and share the why of your instinctive reaction.  After thinking it through, does your answer change?  Get those mind gears rolling! 

Quite honestly, I was originally going to take this a different direction but, as I’ve learned repeatedly these past few months, I need to follow where I’m led instead of where I think I need to go.  Trusting my journey and path is one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life.  Yet, when I evaluate my past, I clearly see the moments when I acted simply on faith and trust have been when I experienced the purest form of happiness.  When have I felt the most successful?  When I have done this –

Giving perfect love through imperfect acts.

PS – This group is going to really challenge you to look internally multiple times so, let’s get the rusty wheels greased up and moving with this topic.  I’ll repeat it here for you.

Of the two stories I told, which person would you feel more inspired to help and why?  There is absolutely no wrong answer.  If you truly can’t decide which one takes priority to you, at least share your thoughts about each.

Wading Through the Funk

I’m having an “off” kind of day.  It didn’t start that way.  I had plans for my day.  I had a “to do” list and a schedule for completing it.  I can’t say I felt a strong sense of motivation to complete my list but, I was at least partially committed to completing it.  What happened to throw me off track?  I honestly have zero clue on how to answer that.  I simply do not know why my mojo marched off leaving me in its wake feeling exhausted, frustrated and sad.

I know I’m responsible for my own feelings and emotions.  Heck, I’ve been studying that specific subject heavily the last few weeks.  Heavens knows I’ve had plenty of time to contemplate this while being unemployed.  Today, it’s all just too much.  It’s overwhelming.  It’s sad.  It’s drained everything out of me.  In working so hard on trying to become a better me and know that better me with conviction and purpose, I’ve somehow drained my lifeforce instead of making it reach a new higher level.  I tried everything today to beat off this undefinable funk.  I ate a healthy breakfast.  I took my vitamins.  I played with my silly birds.  I went to the gym.  I did my meditation while at the gym.  I listened to a motivational speaker on YouTube.  I did all the right things the first part of my day but, as the day progressed, I found myself feeling more and more emotionally drained.  The why of that will remain a mystery because I have nothing left in me today to care enough to put in the work to figure it out. Quite honestly, do I really need to beat myself up even more today and make myself feel even worse?

Here’s what I do know today. I am in my current situation for more than one reason.  Some of it was a little out of my control but, to me, it boils down to this – I only place value on myself when I am gainfully employed.  I somehow become about being what I do for a living instead of making a living by being who Iam.  I haven’t delved into this topic as much as I should yet but, I know it’s another phase of “self-work” I will need to trudge through towards resolution eventually or this pattern will continue in perpetuity.  This realization might be another reason why I my funk runs so deep today.  I’m so tired of either being told or feeling like I am not just fine as I am – that I’m somehow “broken” and need to “fix myself”.  Isn’t it time to embrace just being me and the rest of the world either accepts me as I am or moves along?

Whenever I catch myself falling once again down this specific rabbit hole, I just shake my head with disgust and promise to never do it again.  So, in actuality, what do I end up doing?  I trot into a new job, pour my heart and soul into it, compromise my personal time and energy while believing, if I just work harder and smarter this time, it will all be okay.  Eventually, I get complacent.  I get comfortable.  I get lazy about working on myself, setting personal goals and just coast along in a stressful form of autopilot.  Don’t interpret that to mean I neglect the quality of my actual work function.  It’s quite the opposite. I throw myself into my job so deeply with such a sense of responsibility that almost everything else gets cast aside.

That seems to always be right when someone comes along and decides to yank my nice little comfort zone right out from under me.  Now, I’m not saying I’m blameless but, I can only control other people’s emotions, actions and reactions so much.  Quite honestly, I sincerely need to stop thinking I can control other people’s “crap.” I can only control my own but, that doesn’t make the sense of guilt and shame go away on its own.  I’m kind of a pro at the whole “if only” game and it is NOT something to be proud of.  I also am really good at internalizing the “blame & shame” of the what and why of these occurrences even while, at least this instance, a month later, my own direct supervisors are still trying to understand why they were forced to let me go. At least I’m not the only one who is bewildered.

Where does this leave me in the right here and now?  Well, I’ve got one bird on my head, chewing on my hair tie which should be springing off any second.  The other bird is in my shirt, happily perched on my bra snuggling his little feathered body against me and taking a nap.  I am typing what is the fifth or sixth blog post I’ve written these past three weeks and I have published none of them.  I feel inspiration to write in almost every moment of every day but can’t seem to get the words to come out.  When I do get them to begin to turn into some cohesive form, I am interrupted or lose my focus.  Even now, as I see this one come together, my little shirt dweller has started nipping at my bare skin, breaking my concentration and creating the need to type this one-handed so I can remove my flesh from his little pliers face. 

Those who know me are probably perplexed as to how this strong, resilient, and optimistic person can be writing all this “Negative Nancy” stuff.  How can she sincerely be feeling so low when she has so much love in her life?  It’s simply because every single one of us has days like this.  It’s just reality.  Unless you live in a bubble or have never faced down a challenge in your life, you’ve had a day like this, maybe even a worse day.  I’ve said it numerous times before and I’ll repeat it over and over and over for the rest of my life.  The best way to beat these moments of funk is to put it out there.  Get it out of your head and heart.  Share it or don’t share it but, get it out.  Document it.  Save it. Read it later when you are in a better zone.  Celebrate your victory over what felt like soul crushing disappointment in that moment.

Allow me to explain why sharing these moments with others is a good thing.  Others read it.  They digest it.  They relate to it.  They offer support.  The best part?  When you’ve traveled further down the pathway from what lead to the funk, start feeling more positive and become your happy and inspirational self once again, you’ve got a low point to reference.  It’s the “rock bottom” you know you don’t want to hit again.  You can look at it with a sense of pride that you “won” the day and others will be standing beside you cheering, congratulating you and celebrating with you.  Nothing feels better than celebrating victory with those who love (and are loved by) you.

The more satisfying part of pouring your heart out is that you may inspire others by your honest expression of that deep emotional pain.      

How is it that others are inspired by your own pain?  Well, there are a few reasons.  Someone who is struggling with their own “crap” may look at it as “Okay, my mud pit doesn’t look that bad so, if she can crawl out, so can I.”  Maybe they look at it as, “My pain runs even deeper than that, maybe it’s time to reach out and grab a lifeline.”  Maybe it does not hit someone at the exact time you share your pain. Maybe a few months down the road, a sucker punch hits their life and your words come back to inspire them to stand back up and keep moving.  Maybe it causes someone to look a little closer at their circle of friends and evaluate more closely to see that person who appears to have it all together REALLY needs some “girl time” to clear out the clutter in her brain before she implodes from being so “perfect.”  She probably doesn’t even realize she needs it and you can help prevent the crash or soften the blow when it happens.

Anyone who reads my writing knows the VERY common theme is about being open and honest about struggles. Honesty in its purest form is very brave.  It shows your vulnerabilities in a very raw and sensitive form.  You open yourself up to criticism and judgement.  At a time when you are already battling your own demons, it’s pretty rough to know your thoughts, feelings and words can be turned into “weapons”. 

I also speak about hope, love and self-responsibility.  While we have a universally responsible to accept responsibility for our own happiness, isn’t that part of our spirituality – to reach out to others during times of pain? Doesn’t it make our own hearts and lives so much happier when we make others feel valued?  You can’t force them to be happy but, you can help them feel valued and loved.  Honestly, one of the best ways I’ve found to do this is to share my own pain and struggles so they can discover their own strength to crawl out of their mud pit of despair.  Maybe despair is a strong word for all struggles we encounter.  However, if we don’t remember to move through our struggles but remain stuck in even a small mud puddle, it can quickly turn into a deep pit with thick sludge.

As we all know, I’m going to be okay.  I’m going to get back to stepping through this battle just like I have all the other ones.  Hopefully, I will come out the other side stronger with more resolve and self-confidence than ever before.  If not, well, I guess that means I’ll be going through this process sometime again in the future.  Just because we don’t get it right this time doesn’t mean we won’t ever get it right. And we sure as heck don’t quit trying. 

I know that no matter how many times I fall into a despair pit, I will find my way out and be grateful for the struggle and the journey.  There is ALWAYS beauty in painful experiences.  Maybe we’ll visit that subject again sometime soon.  For now, grab your phone and get busy sending a message (or call) that person who you think needs that reminder of just how much they are loved and which of their strengths you admire and respect the most.  You may just change a life or, at least, help pull them a few steps through their own sludge pit.

Community

Yesterday, I learned a couple of things and was reminded of many things.

Number one – life is difficult.  Even in its best moments, life has complications, twists, turns, setbacks, challenges………so many things are thrown at us every second of our lives.  I think about how, even as technology grows every day, which is supposed to make our lives easier, our lives grow more complex and challenging at an ever increasing rate.

The older we grow, life gets more difficult.  Previous generations appeared to enjoy an opportunity to slow down as they aged.  Most of us will never be able to enjoy that luxury in our lifetimes.  Financial challenges, family challenges, and aging parents are just a few of the issues which arise during the time of our life when previous generations were able to become more stable and enjoy life with a little more ease.

Communities are not communities the way they used to be.  Remember hearing about “barn raisings”?  Entire areas would come together and build a massive, functional building in a day.  That building was solid and well built.  Nobody charged for their time – they jumped in to help for the sense of pride, community and fellowship.  Friends didn’t question motives or complain is something wasn’t perfect.  Or they at least didn’t run around complaining publicly about it.

Do you remember a time when friends either came over for dinner, a picnic, or just popped by for a friendly visit?  Nobody really cared what was on the menu.  It was just about sharing time and experiences with those you care about.

When was the last time you picked up the phone and called someone you have not seen or talked to in a long time?  Did you have the urge but find some excuse to not make that call?  Have you considered asking friends for dinner but pushed the thought away because your house is a mess or you think those friends are too busy to make time for you?  Are you the friend who makes the apologies when you are invited because you are too tired, too busy, or the other myriad of excuses we tell ourselves?  Have there been times when you need or want to ask for help but feel you would be an imposition, it’s not somebody else’s responsibility to help, or you’re afraid you will appear weak or lazy?

WHY?!  Why are we imposing all of these ridiculous rules and expectations on ourselves?!  Why are we so afraid to give help and even worse, think we are too busy to help others?!  I’m guilty of it.  Extremely guilty.  I owe so many people simply for the help they provided the day of my wedding almost two years ago.  Yes, I fed them and fed them well but, did I go out of my way to provide a favor with the same value?  Not really.  How many other times have I done the same?  Asked for help, received the help and then promptly forgotten to insist and follow through on paying back the help?  I shudder when I think about it.

So don’t you all think it’s high time we all put on our big girl and boy panties and start being the kind of friends and family we want to have?  Aren’t we long overdue to start asking, receiving and giving the kind of help that actually does some good?

I have a friend in the Omaha area who is going through a HORRIFIC time due to the health of her 5 year old son.  I have a dear friend who is like an honorary daughter to me going through a joyous time in her life that is also filled with a million challenges and growth opportunities.  I have friends who are on weight loss and health journeys.  My life-long best friend is dealing with end of life issues with her mother.  My husband is trudging through the stress of job hunting at the age when he should be able to think about retiring.  I let myself get so bogged down and overwhelmed that instead of being productive on my time off work, I sit and do absolutely nothing and then feel guilty about it which only leads to compounding the original feeling of being overwhelmed.

I am sure every single one of you can add at least 10 of your own challenges, 10 more for each of your friends, 10 more for each of your family members, 10 more for each of your coworkers and/ or neighbors.  Think about it.  As overwhelmed as we each are, do we forget that everyone has their own “barn that needs to be raised”?  Are we also so stubborn, full of pride, and egotistical that we believe we can either raise that barn by ourselves or work harder to pay someone to build it for us?  Isn’t it time to give and ask for help?  Isn’t it time to find ways to start rebuilding friendships, extended families, communities………simple relationships where everyone benefits?

With all the above in mind, I am proposing a challenge to each and every one of you.  It’s as complicated as it is simple.  I’d like to found a group which helps each member with those life’s challenges which are driving us crazy, we don’t know where to start, or we’ve always been hesitant or afraid to ask for guidance or help.  If you have a need, ask.  If you can help, do it.

All requests must be at least somewhat realistic.  Sometimes things that we think may be out of the realm of realistic might actually be very realistic to someone else. The help must not come in the form of financial reimbursement (unless that is the clear expectation of the person asking for the help).  Please do not ask for help unless you are fully committed to returning help when and where you can.  Do not promise help unless you are fully committed to following through with that promise.   Take this challenge seriously.  This is not the time or place for jokes or criticism of other people’s challenges.  It takes a lot for most of us to ask for help.  Degrading someone who is swallowing their pride enough to ask for help is never okay – EVER!  Be honestly, genuinely grateful for the help you receive.  Even if it is not the correct answer for your challenge, this person took the time to give their best to help you with the best of their abilities.

So the first two challenges I will be issuing are very, very simple.  I need to know if you’d like to become a part of this new community and what shall we call our new “family”?  Easy way to get started, right?