decisions

The Importance Of A Solid Foundation In Marriage.

I’ve written several times about the importance of building a solid foundation in marriage.  Well, actually, it’s very important in any long-term relationship and starts from the first moment you meet someone.  How you meet, how you get to know each other, the trust that builds with each step you take, laying each block………it all adds up to a very well-built foundation if you are taking the time to lay each block with care and precision.  Now, this is NOT always intentional.  Sometimes it just happens but, more often than not, there is at least some level of subconscious effort present.

This morning, as I sat with my coffee perusing the difficult tasks and conversations I must tackle today, thinking about the stressful afternoon my husband and I had yesterday, I was struck very hard with gratitude for that very solid foundation of friendship, brutal honesty and trust.  Yes, I love my husband so very deeply and I know with every fiber of my being that he loves me with the same depth of emotion.  Yet still, during every day life, we can sometimes stumble through the stresses of life forgetting the importance of having a very deep river of trust in that loving marriage.  We forget that it is sometimes necessary to “check” each other when stress and other emotions fueled by stress start running our heads.  Part of loving someone is to figuratively give them a smack upside the head with a handful of reality.  Without that deep river of trust and respect, it’s hard to deliver that message with the love which is intended.  It’s even harder to receive it with the love which is intended.

Yesterday’s events which lead to my very difficult, gentle and much needed “lecture” to my husband is too complicated to relate in this post but, I will try to give a little explanation.  My 88 year old mother-in-law is in definite declining mental and physical health.  Not only is this natural progression of life hard to deal with in general, add in that this is not one of those “sweet little old lady” situations.  I need to explain that I am not even remotely trying to be mean or anything of the sort here but, the truth is the truth, like it or not.  Some mothers are just not the loving and nurturing kind.  That’s a simple fact.  Some people are not highly intelligent nor have they tried do much more than walk through life simply existing.  Having no true hobbies, passionate causes, or deep friendships creates a unique personality dynamic that is very hard to describe.  When those things have never really been a part of someone’s life, when you look at them, try to talk to them, try to relate to them, there is just a disconnect.  It’s like a puzzle where pieces are missing or, maybe it is better described as an incomplete electrical circuit.  Some wires were never nor will they ever be connected.  When this person is a family member, it’s very frustrating because you know the value of the missing wire and you want it to be fixed yet you know it can never be done.

Again, I say none of that with malice of any kind.  Sometimes truth is ugly and painful.

So yesterday, watching my husband’s frustration and tad out of control emotionally charged stress level was a moment when I knew I had to step in and tell him to “slow his roll”.  His level of anger mixed with frustration, pain, and guilt was a very potent and potentially explosive situation.  For the first time in our relationship, I knew I had to defuse a situation and do so VERY quickly.  Believe me, this man is normally so calm and controlled that even I, as his wife and the person closest to him, was taken aback with shock by this display of raw emotion.  That is where this very strong foundation of love, trust and respect came into play.

That foundation gave me the strength to step in and gently tell him to bring it down a few levels and walk away before the situation became even more heated.  I knew I could trust him to not get angry because I know he trusts and respects me.  In that moment, two-way trust was very, very, very important.  Once I got him removed from the situation, I gave him time to talk out some of his “processing”.  Then I stepped up and said, “Okay, now it’s time for a loving but very needed “lecture.”  He literally let out a sigh, backed away from the mountain of stress and listened to the very difficult reality and information.  Standing in the middle of his bundle of emotionally charged baggage, his vision of the situation was completely blurred or maybe even completely blind until I stepped up and, gently, forced him to look at the mountain of stress from a different angle.

I know we still will have many of these kinds of moments along this specific unpleasant and emotionally charged road we are traveling together.  But, we are traveling it together.  I have no doubt our foundation will again be tested like it was yesterday afternoon.  It’s not going to be easy to be patient sometimes.  It’s not going to be easy to be understanding.  Nobody wants to have to deal with these kinds of emotions and difficult tasks.  As long as we keep handling it a little better each time, it’s going to just keep making that already very strong foundation even more solid.  It truly is the difficult times which test our metal.  This in turn, makes us stronger, not just as people in general but in our relationships, too.  For this I, once again, thank the heavens for these challenges because the rewards are, in the end, so worth the painful journey.

The Value of Time

Even those of us who are so amazingly blessed in life sometimes struggle with the day-to-day challenges of life.

My work day yesterday started out as one which I knew was going constantly test my time management skills.  It ended leaving me full of deep questions about my career and, ultimately, my life.  I know what is the most important “thing” in my life.  I know where the majority of my time is best spent.  Most certainly, I know with WHOM that time is best invested and spent.

When you reach this mid-point in your life, the reality of how fast life passes by and the value of simple time is very thoroughly understood.  The value of memories you make with those you love increases greatly.  While money is important to keep you housed, fed and clothed, it just loses its value for just about everything else except how it can help you grow those wonderful, priceless memories.

My career is a very demanding one.  It can and will eat you alive if you let it.  It is not only demanding and selfish physically and mentally – it gobbles up time like there is an endless supply.  Being a dedicated, compassionate and responsible restaurant manager creates a unique battle between the needs of your business, your co-workers and your own.  In my opinion, the only other industry segment with more quality of life battles is healthcare.  Trying to pick and choose your battles – trying to learn when it is okay to say “no” and when it is time to make your personal sacrifices takes its toll.

I was approached with one of those “battles” yesterday.  While the career opportunity offered to me yesterday appears, on the surface, to be exactly what I have busted my rear-end for many years to achieve, suddenly, it just does not feel like a victory.  What it feels like to me is a request to take away more of my precious, limited time to make memories with the person I have waited so many years to find.  Over the past 20+ years, I have sacrificed so many other relationships, including those with my children, for this manic career.  I’m just not okay with doing that any longer.  Yet, I know, if I choose to decline the opportunity, it will be a “black mark” which will haunt my career future.  Even though my company knows my past battles, even though they know WHY I would say no at this time, even though they had several chances to make this happen earlier when the answer would have been a resounding yes – they will see my “no” answer as weakness and a lack of dedication instead of as a sign of true strength and dedication to remaining strong.

While I still do not know what my final decision about this opportunity will be, I do know, without one single doubt, what I will NOT sacrifice.  I know my personal “deal breakers” and have no problem stating and standing by them.  Believe me, that is SOOOOOOOO much harder than it sounds.  Sometimes the all mighty paycheck stands in the corner, glaring at you, along with several creditors with their hands out, making it harder to keep that spine straight and your mind focused on the most important life priorities.

The other nasty little ghost hanging in the corner is the one who says, “This is what you have asked for.  This is what you gave up all that other stuff for.  Are you going to toss it in the trash now that it is FINALLY being presented to you?!”   My answer to that specific little pest is this – I have already given up enough of my most precious pieces.  I have fed you what I should have savored myself with those who give me love in return.  You feed on me so that you may live.  Why should I give you any more than what is absolutely necessary?  Why should you be allowed to grow obese while I wither away from your feast?  It is time for you to compromise and allow me much more of the precious commodity you have stripped from me in the past – TIME.  Not money, not recognition – TIME………..