Challenges

Perfection is not only impossible, it is over-rated

I’ve been struggling all week on writing the mission statement for the new group I am forming.  Narrowing the scope of the project to make it easier to explain is not something I want to do, at least not yet.  There are so many wonderful and positive things we can do with this group.  I feel if we limit our scope in the beginning stages, we might miss helping those who need it the most.  Through my frustration and delay while attempting perfection, I had a few random events come together which granted me some serious “light bulb” insights.  Bear with me while I depart from my normal blog format to share some simple bullet points.

Perfection is not only impossible, it is over-rated.  Imperfection is where all the great stuff happens.  If we wait for perfection, we miss out on opportunities to give perfect love through imperfect acts. 

We are our absolute strongest when we feel completely powerless.

No matter how good of a person we are, sometimes bad things just happen.  There are times when they pile on, one after another, making us wonder about the quality of our luck or what lesson we are supposed to be taking from this set of challenges.

When those who have gone through some of the roughest crap life has to offer are asked how they did it, the most common answers are, “I didn’t have a choice” and “I don’t know, I just knew I had to keep moving forward.”

While we are perfectly capable of knowing what we need to do for ourselves, often it is easier to know than do.

It’s easier to help and guide others than to face down our own battles.  I’ve also discovered the tasks which should be the easiest to complete are often the most difficult to get motivated to do.

Those who reach out a hand and ask for help in a very specific and simple way are more successful than those who try to trudge through on their own.

We will revisit these topics through our journey together but, for the moment, I want to share a few details about the one that is screaming at me today.

Yesterday, I was having an awful “pity party” day.  I am always so embarrassed to admit that I cave into the pure selfishness of “woe is me”.  Maybe it was just my day to really feel the frustration and loneliness so I could release it.  Maybe it was so I could recognize the signs of clarity which were delivered to me throughout the day.  Since perfection is not the goal but showing perfect love through imperfect acts is, the second statement is the one which feels like the best fit.  I had already decided the name of our group page “Give a Little – Take a Little” but defining the descriptive mission sentence was eluding me. 

These are the seemingly random events which stacked so perfectly, one on top of the other, to clear my mind enough to find the statement which best defines our group. 

I messaged a friend who posted a status which was just not his “normal” tone.  In asking what I could do to help, I discovered this friend has landed right in the middle of one of those stages when, no matter what you are doing to get through challenges by doing the right things, it’s just not enough to get you over the hump.  Amid his own health crisis, his mother, who lived four states away, passed away.  He is fighting a health concern that he tried so hard to avoid, laying in a hospital bed after surgery, missing his opportunity to say good-bye to his mother in person.  His beautiful, loving and strong wife put down her strength long enough to share her vulnerability in an uncharacteristic manner.      

A mother of a child born with congenital heart defects has become an amazing champion for the American Heart Association.  She has turned the scariest and lowest point of her life into such a beautiful story of spirit, love and giving.  The best part?  She gives all the credit to her incredibly strong little boy for inspiring her every moment of every day.  Right now, she is fighting an illness of her own and it’s a tough one.  In the middle of her own health challenge, she still planned and executed an inspiring birthday party which has been shared on national level media.  She traveled over an hour to share the story of the special birthday party on a local television channel while still in so much pain.  How many of us would have begged off (for very valid reasons) just because of the travel time?  Add in traveling with an energetic four-year-old and most of us would be saying “nope!”  Not this magnificently inspiring young mother.

While I find both stories very inspiring, the second inspires me to find my own imperfect way to give perfect love to the first.  Why would I feel more inspired to help the person in the first story?  Isn’t the mother more deserving of praise and more help than a middle-aged man?  I have a theory but, for now, I’m not going to share my own thoughts.   

I invite you to examine your thoughts on the issue.  Really dig in and analyze who you would be inclined to help and why.  Share your thoughts in the comments or in a private message.  Blurt out your first instinct and then think through and share the why of your instinctive reaction.  After thinking it through, does your answer change?  Get those mind gears rolling! 

Quite honestly, I was originally going to take this a different direction but, as I’ve learned repeatedly these past few months, I need to follow where I’m led instead of where I think I need to go.  Trusting my journey and path is one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life.  Yet, when I evaluate my past, I clearly see the moments when I acted simply on faith and trust have been when I experienced the purest form of happiness.  When have I felt the most successful?  When I have done this –

Giving perfect love through imperfect acts.

PS – This group is going to really challenge you to look internally multiple times so, let’s get the rusty wheels greased up and moving with this topic.  I’ll repeat it here for you.

Of the two stories I told, which person would you feel more inspired to help and why?  There is absolutely no wrong answer.  If you truly can’t decide which one takes priority to you, at least share your thoughts about each.

The Importance Of A Solid Foundation In Marriage.

I’ve written several times about the importance of building a solid foundation in marriage.  Well, actually, it’s very important in any long-term relationship and starts from the first moment you meet someone.  How you meet, how you get to know each other, the trust that builds with each step you take, laying each block………it all adds up to a very well-built foundation if you are taking the time to lay each block with care and precision.  Now, this is NOT always intentional.  Sometimes it just happens but, more often than not, there is at least some level of subconscious effort present.

This morning, as I sat with my coffee perusing the difficult tasks and conversations I must tackle today, thinking about the stressful afternoon my husband and I had yesterday, I was struck very hard with gratitude for that very solid foundation of friendship, brutal honesty and trust.  Yes, I love my husband so very deeply and I know with every fiber of my being that he loves me with the same depth of emotion.  Yet still, during every day life, we can sometimes stumble through the stresses of life forgetting the importance of having a very deep river of trust in that loving marriage.  We forget that it is sometimes necessary to “check” each other when stress and other emotions fueled by stress start running our heads.  Part of loving someone is to figuratively give them a smack upside the head with a handful of reality.  Without that deep river of trust and respect, it’s hard to deliver that message with the love which is intended.  It’s even harder to receive it with the love which is intended.

Yesterday’s events which lead to my very difficult, gentle and much needed “lecture” to my husband is too complicated to relate in this post but, I will try to give a little explanation.  My 88 year old mother-in-law is in definite declining mental and physical health.  Not only is this natural progression of life hard to deal with in general, add in that this is not one of those “sweet little old lady” situations.  I need to explain that I am not even remotely trying to be mean or anything of the sort here but, the truth is the truth, like it or not.  Some mothers are just not the loving and nurturing kind.  That’s a simple fact.  Some people are not highly intelligent nor have they tried do much more than walk through life simply existing.  Having no true hobbies, passionate causes, or deep friendships creates a unique personality dynamic that is very hard to describe.  When those things have never really been a part of someone’s life, when you look at them, try to talk to them, try to relate to them, there is just a disconnect.  It’s like a puzzle where pieces are missing or, maybe it is better described as an incomplete electrical circuit.  Some wires were never nor will they ever be connected.  When this person is a family member, it’s very frustrating because you know the value of the missing wire and you want it to be fixed yet you know it can never be done.

Again, I say none of that with malice of any kind.  Sometimes truth is ugly and painful.

So yesterday, watching my husband’s frustration and tad out of control emotionally charged stress level was a moment when I knew I had to step in and tell him to “slow his roll”.  His level of anger mixed with frustration, pain, and guilt was a very potent and potentially explosive situation.  For the first time in our relationship, I knew I had to defuse a situation and do so VERY quickly.  Believe me, this man is normally so calm and controlled that even I, as his wife and the person closest to him, was taken aback with shock by this display of raw emotion.  That is where this very strong foundation of love, trust and respect came into play.

That foundation gave me the strength to step in and gently tell him to bring it down a few levels and walk away before the situation became even more heated.  I knew I could trust him to not get angry because I know he trusts and respects me.  In that moment, two-way trust was very, very, very important.  Once I got him removed from the situation, I gave him time to talk out some of his “processing”.  Then I stepped up and said, “Okay, now it’s time for a loving but very needed “lecture.”  He literally let out a sigh, backed away from the mountain of stress and listened to the very difficult reality and information.  Standing in the middle of his bundle of emotionally charged baggage, his vision of the situation was completely blurred or maybe even completely blind until I stepped up and, gently, forced him to look at the mountain of stress from a different angle.

I know we still will have many of these kinds of moments along this specific unpleasant and emotionally charged road we are traveling together.  But, we are traveling it together.  I have no doubt our foundation will again be tested like it was yesterday afternoon.  It’s not going to be easy to be patient sometimes.  It’s not going to be easy to be understanding.  Nobody wants to have to deal with these kinds of emotions and difficult tasks.  As long as we keep handling it a little better each time, it’s going to just keep making that already very strong foundation even more solid.  It truly is the difficult times which test our metal.  This in turn, makes us stronger, not just as people in general but in our relationships, too.  For this I, once again, thank the heavens for these challenges because the rewards are, in the end, so worth the painful journey.

Sometimes Life Lessons Get In The Way

Whew!  It’s been over a week since I have had time to sit in front of my computer!  Even as I type this, I only have an hour before I need to get dressed and on my way to the burrito mine.  This past week has been full of adjustments and challenges which I will share with you very soon.  For the moment I just wanted to touch base and assure you I still have plenty of stories waiting to be written.  I am looking forward to sharing them with you.

I have been, at least temporarily, transferred from my restaurant of 2 1/2 years to a much busier and more challenging restaurant.  This involves a bit of a promotion, doubles my commute and increases not only my workload but requires more working hours.  I don’t know if the working hours will decrease any over time but, I know this restaurant has some great potential.  The “kids” who work here desperately need and honestly want guidance and a little “mothering”.  Those are the folks who make me thrive in my career.  They may not enjoy all the lessons I have to teach while in the middle of learning them but, eventually, they will value and understand them.  Most certainly they will not understand the sacrifices I will have to make from time to time to make sure they have what they need and are learning what they need to learn.  Some may understand eventually, many, many years down the road.  However, I know very well most will never truly understand the impact we will make in each others lives during such an important piece of their growth, professionally and personally.

There are very few things in life I enjoy more than watching young adults learn and grow.  Seeing wasted potential in those same people drives me crazy.  The “Mothering” instinct in me wants to sit on them until they “get” it.  I know that doesn’t work.  I know that the best way to help them grow is to give them their instructions, stand on the sidelines, and let them work through it.  The larger part of my job is to help them stand back up, help them mop up any messes those stumbles and falls created, nurse the cuts and bruises, and send them back out there to continue the game of life.  Hopefully, they will be a little wiser and stronger through the next challenge.

Even if they will never ever understand what I give up in my life to do this, I will know.  I will always carry the pride of knowing who I have helped lead down the path of life.  I also know, without even realizing it, some of them will do the same for others in the future.  To me, that is a very beautiful thing.

The Value of Time

Even those of us who are so amazingly blessed in life sometimes struggle with the day-to-day challenges of life.

My work day yesterday started out as one which I knew was going constantly test my time management skills.  It ended leaving me full of deep questions about my career and, ultimately, my life.  I know what is the most important “thing” in my life.  I know where the majority of my time is best spent.  Most certainly, I know with WHOM that time is best invested and spent.

When you reach this mid-point in your life, the reality of how fast life passes by and the value of simple time is very thoroughly understood.  The value of memories you make with those you love increases greatly.  While money is important to keep you housed, fed and clothed, it just loses its value for just about everything else except how it can help you grow those wonderful, priceless memories.

My career is a very demanding one.  It can and will eat you alive if you let it.  It is not only demanding and selfish physically and mentally – it gobbles up time like there is an endless supply.  Being a dedicated, compassionate and responsible restaurant manager creates a unique battle between the needs of your business, your co-workers and your own.  In my opinion, the only other industry segment with more quality of life battles is healthcare.  Trying to pick and choose your battles – trying to learn when it is okay to say “no” and when it is time to make your personal sacrifices takes its toll.

I was approached with one of those “battles” yesterday.  While the career opportunity offered to me yesterday appears, on the surface, to be exactly what I have busted my rear-end for many years to achieve, suddenly, it just does not feel like a victory.  What it feels like to me is a request to take away more of my precious, limited time to make memories with the person I have waited so many years to find.  Over the past 20+ years, I have sacrificed so many other relationships, including those with my children, for this manic career.  I’m just not okay with doing that any longer.  Yet, I know, if I choose to decline the opportunity, it will be a “black mark” which will haunt my career future.  Even though my company knows my past battles, even though they know WHY I would say no at this time, even though they had several chances to make this happen earlier when the answer would have been a resounding yes – they will see my “no” answer as weakness and a lack of dedication instead of as a sign of true strength and dedication to remaining strong.

While I still do not know what my final decision about this opportunity will be, I do know, without one single doubt, what I will NOT sacrifice.  I know my personal “deal breakers” and have no problem stating and standing by them.  Believe me, that is SOOOOOOOO much harder than it sounds.  Sometimes the all mighty paycheck stands in the corner, glaring at you, along with several creditors with their hands out, making it harder to keep that spine straight and your mind focused on the most important life priorities.

The other nasty little ghost hanging in the corner is the one who says, “This is what you have asked for.  This is what you gave up all that other stuff for.  Are you going to toss it in the trash now that it is FINALLY being presented to you?!”   My answer to that specific little pest is this – I have already given up enough of my most precious pieces.  I have fed you what I should have savored myself with those who give me love in return.  You feed on me so that you may live.  Why should I give you any more than what is absolutely necessary?  Why should you be allowed to grow obese while I wither away from your feast?  It is time for you to compromise and allow me much more of the precious commodity you have stripped from me in the past – TIME.  Not money, not recognition – TIME………..