Brave

The Value of Time

Even those of us who are so amazingly blessed in life sometimes struggle with the day-to-day challenges of life.

My work day yesterday started out as one which I knew was going constantly test my time management skills.  It ended leaving me full of deep questions about my career and, ultimately, my life.  I know what is the most important “thing” in my life.  I know where the majority of my time is best spent.  Most certainly, I know with WHOM that time is best invested and spent.

When you reach this mid-point in your life, the reality of how fast life passes by and the value of simple time is very thoroughly understood.  The value of memories you make with those you love increases greatly.  While money is important to keep you housed, fed and clothed, it just loses its value for just about everything else except how it can help you grow those wonderful, priceless memories.

My career is a very demanding one.  It can and will eat you alive if you let it.  It is not only demanding and selfish physically and mentally – it gobbles up time like there is an endless supply.  Being a dedicated, compassionate and responsible restaurant manager creates a unique battle between the needs of your business, your co-workers and your own.  In my opinion, the only other industry segment with more quality of life battles is healthcare.  Trying to pick and choose your battles – trying to learn when it is okay to say “no” and when it is time to make your personal sacrifices takes its toll.

I was approached with one of those “battles” yesterday.  While the career opportunity offered to me yesterday appears, on the surface, to be exactly what I have busted my rear-end for many years to achieve, suddenly, it just does not feel like a victory.  What it feels like to me is a request to take away more of my precious, limited time to make memories with the person I have waited so many years to find.  Over the past 20+ years, I have sacrificed so many other relationships, including those with my children, for this manic career.  I’m just not okay with doing that any longer.  Yet, I know, if I choose to decline the opportunity, it will be a “black mark” which will haunt my career future.  Even though my company knows my past battles, even though they know WHY I would say no at this time, even though they had several chances to make this happen earlier when the answer would have been a resounding yes – they will see my “no” answer as weakness and a lack of dedication instead of as a sign of true strength and dedication to remaining strong.

While I still do not know what my final decision about this opportunity will be, I do know, without one single doubt, what I will NOT sacrifice.  I know my personal “deal breakers” and have no problem stating and standing by them.  Believe me, that is SOOOOOOOO much harder than it sounds.  Sometimes the all mighty paycheck stands in the corner, glaring at you, along with several creditors with their hands out, making it harder to keep that spine straight and your mind focused on the most important life priorities.

The other nasty little ghost hanging in the corner is the one who says, “This is what you have asked for.  This is what you gave up all that other stuff for.  Are you going to toss it in the trash now that it is FINALLY being presented to you?!”   My answer to that specific little pest is this – I have already given up enough of my most precious pieces.  I have fed you what I should have savored myself with those who give me love in return.  You feed on me so that you may live.  Why should I give you any more than what is absolutely necessary?  Why should you be allowed to grow obese while I wither away from your feast?  It is time for you to compromise and allow me much more of the precious commodity you have stripped from me in the past – TIME.  Not money, not recognition – TIME………..

Give a little – Take a little

Here is an “essay” I wrote right before I took Don to Omaha.  While the trip was mostly about showing him where I lived most of my life, it was also a lesson in how and why I have grown into the person I am today.

In preparing for my upcoming visit back to “from whence I came”, I have become very reflective.  This is definitely a milestone vacation for me.  One which will be some type of ending and some type of beginning.  I’m not sure at this moment what kind or how to even begin to try to define it.  What I do know is this – I am more myself than I have ever been in my life yet so completely different from I have ever been.  Let me try to stumble around and see if I can explain what I mean by that even though I know for a fact that some of you will just instinctively know exactly what I mean.  Or if you don’t, you may just have a pretty good idea by the time you get done reading this.

Remember the song “Wear Sunscreen”?  The line that says,

“Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.”

This is the one theme that keeps reverberating in my mind at the moment.  I have worked very hard to live this advice most of my life.  I am the one who will track your ass down, make that phone call, visit you at work, find you on Facebook…….whatever it takes to check in with you.  Sometimes, admittedly, I am saddened by the fact that 99.9% of the time, I am the one who must initiate the contact.  I will never understand why others forget how important it is to keep in touch with those who have crossed your life’s path.  However, no matter how many times I have to cross chasm first, I will do it because, 99.9999% of the time, we are both glad simply to have made that re-connection.  There are times it becomes a lengthy connection and times when it is brief – it doesn’t matter whether it is big or small because, in the end, they are ALL important.  I’ll share one of my “infamous” personal quotes which kind of defines what I mean by that –

With every interaction you have with ANYONE, you leave a piece of yourself and you take a piece of them with you.  What are you taking and what are you leaving? Isn’t our true legacy to the world how we impact others?  Isn’t it the pieces we give and the pieces we take away?  Isn’t it how they fit together into who we are throughout our lives?  The constantly learning, changing, growing……………

Now, even to me, now this note seems to be bouncing around a bit and not truly focused.  Let’s just see where it takes us, shall we?

Looking over notes I have posted here over the years, I see a recurring theme – strength.  Wow!!!  What the…..?!  I’m not a strong person, am I?!  I sure didn’t feel strong at the time but, boy, oh boy, do those messages sound strong, confident, powerful – full of resolve and hope.  Who the hell is that person?!  That wasn’t really what I was feeling at the time, was it?  Because I sure don’t remember it that way.  I asked Don a few nights ago if hindsight is skewed by our current thoughts and feelings or if we just see the clear truth of what really happened.  Rather philosophical and, even though I know I agree with his answer, I am still not sure which answer is my truth.  Do I see the strength because I feel strong now or was it there all along but not self-acknowledged?

What brought on this question was my reflection on the moment I first saw Don as a suggested friend here on Facebook.  Did I instantly recognize this person as the other half of myself or was it just an opportunity to connect with someone who has common interests?  Was it just a lucky moment or was it fate and destiny?  I am not questioning it because I am so grateful for whatever brought me to this magnificent love but, I am filled with wonder about it daily.  Where would I be now if I had ignored that suggestion?  And, what if I had not seen his post about the furniture and sent him that private message?  To me, it goes back to making and maintaining those connections.  It speaks to taking those chances, reaching out to those who touch a part of ourselves that we can’t explain.  They are suddenly just important – important enough to not ignore.

About a year and a half ago I decided I wanted to connect with one of those people who had touched my life many years ago.  We did not know each other long but we definitely impacted each other deeply and had managed to stay in contact over the years.  I wanted – no NEEDED – to see this friend in person very much.  There were two other people in the same general area who I wanted to see.  One was my very first East Coast friend, Michelle, who I had not seen in several months and one was someone I “met” via Facebook.  I planned out a “girls only” weekend only to have both of my girls cancel on me.  This left only my new, never met in person friend.  I almost cancelled the trip.  You hear about all the scary stories and think you are nuts to be doing something so risky.  Good heavens, I’m gonna end up being on the news as a statistic!  However, I trusted my gut, put some pretty good safety nets in place, drove 6 hours to meet my new friend and do whatever I could to see my long-lost friend while I was there.  That weekend was such a “mixed bag”.  I will never, ever regret my one magnificent sunny fall day in Philly with my dear friend.  The hindsight of that visit?  Sometimes healing comes from the most painful experiences.  Sometimes not getting what you THINK you want leads you right straight to exactly what you want and NEED.  If I had not taken a chance on meeting a complete stranger not only several hours from where I lived at the time but over a THOUSAND miles away from my original home, would I have had the courage and faith to send that friend request that changed my life so completely?  If I had not taken that chance to see myself through this person’s eyes – to be that person for just one day – would I be where I am today?  Give a little – take a little……..

During that trip, I did drive the extra distance to see my dear, dear Jersey Angel too.  Jersey Angel – even though her name really is Angel and she is from Jersey, my nickname for her is like wrapping yourself in a warm soft blanket on a chilly day.  As I laid eyes on her for the first time in roughly 12 years, I was punched in the gut by several mixed emotions.  I’m not going to explain them here.  What I will tell you is that this amazing woman is one who is the complete definition of strength and courage to me.  And, for some strange reason, she thinks the same of me.  Every single time she tells me that I am the bravest person she has ever met, I shake my head and tell her that is not even remotely possible when she inspires me to be strong every time I see or talk to her.  Such a symbiotic relationship.  Give a little – take a little……….

It was very soon after that trip when I got that “fateful” friend suggestion.  Did my dear Philly friend give me the courage and insight to send that request?  Or my Jersey Angel?  Or Michelle?  Or the now suddenly snowballing list of people who kept cropping up in my life (old and new)?  People who I barely knew from my small hometown in Iowa were suddenly reaching out to me, or I felt a strong urge to contact them.  People who were only friends on Facebook because of Mafia Wars were suddenly creating the same type of contact.  Give a little – take a little……..

There was another time in my life when that happened, too.  Without going into any details because they don’t serve the purpose of this “essay”, I will say it happened when my son was missing.  From that horrific experience, I gained a remarkable friend who, to this day, I have never met in person but with whom I have made a deep connection with because she chose to reach out to a complete stranger who was in pain.  Carolyn is another person with incredible strength who reminds me that my battles are so minor compared to what others have had to endure AND – you must always trust your instincts to reach out when the urge strikes.  Give a little – take a little…………

Tony………what can I say about Papa T?  Another lifeline in the middle of my “mess”.  Okay, okay, okay, he’s not really old enough to be my Papa but, he took me so gently under his wing, how can I ever see him as anything but?!  Another friend because of Mafia Wars……..another who saw my potential and my true spirit so easily.  While many times we simply discussed the game, there were plenty of discussions about life peppered in.  Papa taught me, through a stupid virtual game, that there are honestly very few things that could truly hurt me.  Part of life is a game where people throw virtual weapons but, if you acknowledge them as what they are – not real – they can’t hurt you and, more importantly, they can’t kill you.  Give a little  – take a little…………

Most recently, I noticed someone from my hometown paying a lot more attention to my posts.  Just some “likes” at first.  A few comments here and there.  Just surprising because it wasn’t someone I knew well even way back when.  However, it struck me and, over a few weeks, the urge to contact this person became very overwhelming.  I admit, I “stalked” a bit to see if I could figure out why I was getting this “vibe”.  I honestly didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.  Okay, this person obviously had left their long-term relationship recently.  In this day and age, that is not unusual and I know I have done that myself a couple of times in my life.  Finally, I threw my mental hands up in the air and contacted this person.  WOW!!!  Not even close to what I expected to hear but so very, very similar to my journey.  Through our conversations since, my eyes were opened to how much my journey has comforted and inspired others because I choose to “live out loud”.  Through my daily postings, through my own ramblings, through my honest, no-holds-barred baring of my soul in this forum, I have managed to touch another enough to help them find their own personal strength.  Someone looks to me the way I have looked to so many others over the years to help me find, grab and pull up my boot straps.  If that doesn’t inspire you to stand at least a little taller, I don’t know what the hell else it would take.  Give a little – take a little…………..

This brings me back to my visit “home” this week.  As I get ready to visit so many who have been part of my life for so many years, I take pieces of those who have impacted me as well as pieces of those who I have impacted along the way.  In becoming more true to myself than I have ever been, in becoming someone who now knows how to live her “truth”, in becoming this honest version of myself, I see the pieces of so many others in myself as well as the pieces of myself I left behind in others.  I know some, even though you have witnessed the changes in me via my Facebook postings, will be shocked by the difference you will be able to clearly see in me.  What you will see is not only my personal journey but the journey of so many others who took the split second, the hours or days to………..

Give a little – take a little……………