life lessons
The Importance Of A Solid Foundation In Marriage.
I’ve written several times about the importance of building a solid foundation in marriage. Well, actually, it’s very important in any long-term relationship and starts from the first moment you meet someone. How you meet, how you get to know each other, the trust that builds with each step you take, laying each block………it all adds up to a very well-built foundation if you are taking the time to lay each block with care and precision. Now, this is NOT always intentional. Sometimes it just happens but, more often than not, there is at least some level of subconscious effort present.
This morning, as I sat with my coffee perusing the difficult tasks and conversations I must tackle today, thinking about the stressful afternoon my husband and I had yesterday, I was struck very hard with gratitude for that very solid foundation of friendship, brutal honesty and trust. Yes, I love my husband so very deeply and I know with every fiber of my being that he loves me with the same depth of emotion. Yet still, during every day life, we can sometimes stumble through the stresses of life forgetting the importance of having a very deep river of trust in that loving marriage. We forget that it is sometimes necessary to “check” each other when stress and other emotions fueled by stress start running our heads. Part of loving someone is to figuratively give them a smack upside the head with a handful of reality. Without that deep river of trust and respect, it’s hard to deliver that message with the love which is intended. It’s even harder to receive it with the love which is intended.
Yesterday’s events which lead to my very difficult, gentle and much needed “lecture” to my husband is too complicated to relate in this post but, I will try to give a little explanation. My 88 year old mother-in-law is in definite declining mental and physical health. Not only is this natural progression of life hard to deal with in general, add in that this is not one of those “sweet little old lady” situations. I need to explain that I am not even remotely trying to be mean or anything of the sort here but, the truth is the truth, like it or not. Some mothers are just not the loving and nurturing kind. That’s a simple fact. Some people are not highly intelligent nor have they tried do much more than walk through life simply existing. Having no true hobbies, passionate causes, or deep friendships creates a unique personality dynamic that is very hard to describe. When those things have never really been a part of someone’s life, when you look at them, try to talk to them, try to relate to them, there is just a disconnect. It’s like a puzzle where pieces are missing or, maybe it is better described as an incomplete electrical circuit. Some wires were never nor will they ever be connected. When this person is a family member, it’s very frustrating because you know the value of the missing wire and you want it to be fixed yet you know it can never be done.
Again, I say none of that with malice of any kind. Sometimes truth is ugly and painful.
So yesterday, watching my husband’s frustration and tad out of control emotionally charged stress level was a moment when I knew I had to step in and tell him to “slow his roll”. His level of anger mixed with frustration, pain, and guilt was a very potent and potentially explosive situation. For the first time in our relationship, I knew I had to defuse a situation and do so VERY quickly. Believe me, this man is normally so calm and controlled that even I, as his wife and the person closest to him, was taken aback with shock by this display of raw emotion. That is where this very strong foundation of love, trust and respect came into play.
That foundation gave me the strength to step in and gently tell him to bring it down a few levels and walk away before the situation became even more heated. I knew I could trust him to not get angry because I know he trusts and respects me. In that moment, two-way trust was very, very, very important. Once I got him removed from the situation, I gave him time to talk out some of his “processing”. Then I stepped up and said, “Okay, now it’s time for a loving but very needed “lecture.” He literally let out a sigh, backed away from the mountain of stress and listened to the very difficult reality and information. Standing in the middle of his bundle of emotionally charged baggage, his vision of the situation was completely blurred or maybe even completely blind until I stepped up and, gently, forced him to look at the mountain of stress from a different angle.
I know we still will have many of these kinds of moments along this specific unpleasant and emotionally charged road we are traveling together. But, we are traveling it together. I have no doubt our foundation will again be tested like it was yesterday afternoon. It’s not going to be easy to be patient sometimes. It’s not going to be easy to be understanding. Nobody wants to have to deal with these kinds of emotions and difficult tasks. As long as we keep handling it a little better each time, it’s going to just keep making that already very strong foundation even more solid. It truly is the difficult times which test our metal. This in turn, makes us stronger, not just as people in general but in our relationships, too. For this I, once again, thank the heavens for these challenges because the rewards are, in the end, so worth the painful journey.
You are not married to the same man I was
I’ve stated on many occasions that when I begin to write these articles, I struggle to find the exact right words which express what I am feeling and thinking without offending. While I truly don’t care what most folks think about my opinions due to my age and life’s experiences, I never set out to intentionally offend or hurt anyone, EVER. With that in mind, I am going to plunge into a subject which is deeply personal and some of you may feel very passionately about what I am going to say. Just know that, as always, every word has been carefully considered so that it may express my opinions with as much neutrality as is possible while still expressing my feelings and experience.
The title of this article is as blunt as it is true –
You are not married to the same man I was.
Even though I try very hard not to judge others, it is in our human nature to quickly judge others by appearance or by actions. If we do not delve further to find out more about the “why” of a situation, it becomes way too easy to judge someone in a negative light. Over the years I have worked very hard to learn the important lesson of stopping, looking, asking and, evaluating before I judge. I’m not going to say this is easy or that I don’t fail at it more than I would like. However, I will say I try very, very hard to check myself when I see I’m heading down that road of negative judgement. Even in this specific article, you will see my struggle very clearly because I will be discussing someone’s (maybe multiple people’s) judgements of my life choices. I’ve grown a thicker skin because I know these types of discussions open myself up to further and, potentially, harsher judgements. That doesn’t mean they don’t affect me. It just means that I choose not to let them truly harm me. Life is about choices. You can choose to let these judgements hold you back or you can choose to grow and prove all those judgements wrong.
There is one person’s judgements and closed mindedness that, admittedly, gets my goat from time to time. This is my attempt to explain why this snub irritates the living daylights out of me from time to time.
As I have shared in other articles, my ex-husband is still very much one of my closest and dearest friends. Mike was one of the very first people who knew Don and I had become friends. He was the person who first expressed that Don might be the exact person who I needed in my life. His genuine encouragement of my growing relationship with my friend was very instrumental in leading me to understand and embrace the miracle I have been given. It’s pretty amazing when a divorced couple remains friends and even more rare when they can stay in the group of “best of friends”. I count myself doubly blessed that my husband and my ex-husband have met and spoken, online and in person. Mike was one of the very first people I made sure to see when I brought Don with me to Omaha. It was important to me for them to meet.
Obviously, this whole “best of friends” situation did not occur overnight or by accident. This came as a result of the divorce, not just because we were married for almost 15 years. There were reasons we divorced. While one specific action and decision lead to actual end of our marriage, let’s all be real here and acknowledge that most divorces do not occur because you have a truly happy marriage. Marriages become broken over time by many situations and occurrences with a hefty sprinkle of how we respond to those situations and occurrences. However, sometimes they occur just simply because the married couple may work as friends but they just don’t work as a married couple. It may take a while to see and accept this reality because the friendship itself masks the cracks in the foundation.
I’m also a very firm believer that our experiences in life shift our behaviors and perceptions. Every life experience is an opportunity to grow and learn. It’s a choice we make with each experience. We can use them as excuses to stay stuck, ignore the lesson, or grow from them. Mike’s choice to grow from the experience of our divorce is the reason I say this with such conviction –
You are not married to the same man I was.
There are other reasons for how we change and grow through the years. Sometimes, simply having the wrong or right people in our lives whether as friends, lovers or acquaintances, impacts our growth or lack of it. We are just plain and simply different when we associate ourselves with different people. It affects our viewpoints and experiences. I have another very dear male friend with whom I can debate, very heatedly I might add, about political viewpoints. However, he and I always agree to disagree and love each other through it all. When I listen to his viewpoint during these debates, it does affect me. It makes me look at the situation differently because I care about and respect my friend. Now, let’s say I have the same debate with someone else who I do not value on the same level. I know that interaction has much less impact just because I don’t have the same connection with that person. Along this line of thinking, there are just people you instantly connect with in different ways. You don’t know why, but for some reason this person can do things that would irritate you to no end from someone else but, in this person, you find it, at least, irritating and, at best, amusing or charming. On the flip side, there are those times when we each respond to someone so differently than we would another, that some would swear you are a completely different person. That is a phenomenon I cannot even begin to explain. To me, it just is what it is. That is why I say –
You are not married to the same man I was.
I cannot understand a person who does not keep an open mind to someone they have never met. It does not mean I do not respect their perception of events and behaviors but, it does mean they are not honestly cheating themselves by not exploring all the factors and facts before making that judgment. I can honestly say that even though I despise that my husband walked through so much pain and anger because of his ex-wife, I am actually thankful to her for making the choices she made. How can I say that? It’s because, had she not made those choices, I would not have my perfect partner, my soul mate, the other half of myself as my husband. Just as the choices I made in and out of my marriage to Mike affected our lives, her decisions and actions affected mine. As another thing I have stated many times, how can I regret and be angry about the bad stuff I have lived through if it lead me HERE?! With that, I am at least a little thankful for the things my husband had to endure to get here, also. That doesn’t mean I could ever be friends with his ex-wife. It does mean that, if I were to meet her, I would be cordial and as non-judgmental as possible. I am not so naive as to assume that all situations are easily handled this way. However, I’d like to think I am a big enough person to at least respect that she gave up what was not meant to be hers so that I may have exactly what was meant to be mine.
I know I am not the same person with Don I was with Mike. I know Don is not the same person he was with his ex-wife. I know Mike is not the same person with his wife that he was with me. I saw and heard the differences from the beginning of his relationship with his wife. I could just feel it. Honestly, I didn’t like it at first. Honestly, I felt a little threatened. These feelings did not happen because I wanted to renew a marital relationship with him. They came because I did not want to lose contact with my dear friend because his wife told him to cut me out of his life. I truly want my dear long-time friend to be happy. I truly want him to have someone to love and who loves him in the way he deserves to be loved – truly, respectfully, purely, whole-heartedly and passionately. He deserves to be loved the way I love Don. Mike’s wife deserves that same kind of love, also. Mike knows I wish him love and happiness within his marriage and in life. He knows that I want to share in his happiness as his friend and I know he wants to do the same for me. He also knows what I mean when I say –
You are not married to the same man I was
I have tried a few different ways to reach out to Mike’s wife. I honestly have wanted to just simply express my honest appreciation for what she has brought to his life. That she makes him a happier and calmer person than I was ever able to makes me respect her. I would love to have the opportunity to tell her so. Unfortunately, at this time, she is not open to that opportunity. There are times it truly upsets me. It would be easier for me to understand if I was trying to be hateful or harmful. But, I’m not. My approach has always been and will always continue to be that of appreciation, respect, and kindness with the hope of friendship.
Even in this article, I wanted to give specifics of how different each of us are since we found our spouses. I wanted to talk about what happened in the past so she could understand how clearly I understand how she is a better partner for him than I was. In order to do so, it might be interpreted as negative or accusatory. I’m just not that person. Or, at least, I try very hard not to be. So all I can say is just this –
You are not married to the same man I was.
And for this, I will always be proud to call him my dear friend and extraordinarily happy you two found each other.
